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A few years ago, with two preschoolers to look after and a part-time job on the go, I burnt out.  I did my best to get on with things but honestly, it was hell.  At 3 my youngest was still waking every few hours through the night due to tummy issues. 

I was exhausted and every action was a struggle.  It felt like I was constantly trying to run through water, but I had no idea just how bad it was until I recovered.  That sounds weird but burn out doesn’t happen over night, it happens gradually.  So each day you feel a bit more tired, everyday it’s a bit harder and because it happens gradually you lose sight of what normal really feels like. 

I thought maybe I was depressed (I was) so I sought help from a recommended naturopath.  I didn’t realize my adrenal glands had said “enough! We can’t go on like this anymore”.  More importantly, I didn’t realize that even though my stressful situation would continue for sometime yet, there were things that could be done to support my body and reduce the impact of stress.  I’m not going to go into what I did to recover, that’s a post for another time but here’s the advice I would give to my stressed out self if I could go back in time….

Accept all help offered.  It does not make you weak or a bad/lesser Mum.  It used to take a village to raise a child, but now days we feel as if we should be able to do it all on our own. Stop being stubborn, swallow your pride and accept help when it is presented.  You are surrounded by people who love you, who can see you are in pain and want to help but don’t know how to.  To be fair you aren’t really sure yourself but say yes to anything that is offered.

This is not your fault and you are not failing as a Mum. You are a loving Mum who is doing everything she can to provide what her children need in tough circumstances.  Your kids are healthy, happy & loved, just night owls.

Yes, this is bad.  Really, really bad.  You find yourself questioning whether you are making a mountain out of a molehill.  Is your situation bad enough to warrant extra support, it’s only broken sleep?  But, there’s a reason sleep deprivation has been used as a form of torture. Truly! Life is hard right now and you feel like you are failing.  The good news is you aren’t and your kids will turn out just fine.

Stop comparing yourself to other Mums.  You are going through a period of extreme stress.  This level of stress is something you will face only a handful of times in your life.  Don’t compare what you achieve in a day to what other Mums achieve.  You don’t know their circumstances and they don’t know yours.

Seek help from a health professional.  Don’t assume you’ll only feel better when your little one sleeps through, that’s rubbish!   The cause of your stress might not be going away any time soon but you can certainly make nutritional and lifestyle changes that support your body.  Go see a naturopath or Dr and talk them through your symptoms.  I’m not saying you’ll feel completely normal while you are still being woken at night, but you can feel better than you do now.

Burn out happened gradually and it will take some time to recover.  It took a long time to reach this point so don’t expect it to be fixed over night.  But with consistent effort things will improve and one day you’ll look back and wonder marvel at how much better you feel.

Find small ways to look after yourself.  As a Mum of two preschoolers there’s not much time for you right now.  That’s why you need to make any moments really count.  Sleep is important, catch it when you can.  Beyond that see if you can remember the things that used to bring you joy.  Simple things like listening to music, lighting a candle or reading a book. That might sound impossible but simply listening to music while you do chores will lift your mood.

You are in survival mode. That is where you need to be right now so cut yourself some slack.  You are doing the best you can with what you have.

You feel incredibly lonely.  You are acutely aware that when someone asks how you are, they don’t really want to know the true answer.  That feels really lonely, but all it takes is 1 person to change that.  Find your one person.  The person who will listen to your feelings no matter how often you repeat yourself.  If you can’t find a person, write it down in a journal.  It will help to get those feelings out.

This experience will change your life, for the better.  You will know just how strong you are.  You’ll discover how important it is to look after yourself.  That making your self-care a priority is important for both you and your family.  You’ll be calmer and avoid stress as much as possible.  You know the negative impact it can have on your body and family life if you let it.  You’ll develop a deep understanding of nutrition and the impact it has on our moods.  When the sleep finally does come, you’ll have a new, deep appreciation for it.

If you were a burnt out Mum and this struck a chord with you, let me know what advice you’d give yourself if you could go back in time.  If, you are experiencing sleep deprivation now, my heart goes out to you.  I hope some of this advice was helpful.

Balance.  That lovely point where everything is in harmony.  When you are spending quality time with your family, the kids are a delight to be with rather than fighting with each other, your work is challenging and rewarding and you have ample time to nurture your own interests and your relationship.  Sounds lovely doesn’t it.  But how realistic is it?  Is the concept of balance really the impossible dream we are lead to believe we should achieve?  Is the desire for balance actually stressing you out?

Recently I was introduced to an alternative view that really made sense to me. 

 
 

Life ebbs and flows, some periods are more stressful than others.  Sometimes work needs to take precedence over home life and vice versa. 

When striving for balance we often feel guilty for prioritizing one thing over another.  We feel as though we are neglecting our other responsibilities.  But this is not true, and 9 times out of 10 we will only need to make this priority call in the short-term.

Your kids are not going to end up on the shrink's couch because you missed one Ukulele recital, there’ll be plenty of other fodder for them to discuss.  And your colleagues are not going to judge you when you turn up at 930am, because you stopped and took the time to really listen to your youngest child’s feelings as they had an unscheduled 30 min emotional meltdown.  In fact, when you speak to them about it, your child-free colleagues will probably tell you they are in awe of all that you juggle and don’t know how you do it.

If you consistently feel guilt relating to one aspect of your life, it's likely you are out of step with your values.  Take stock of how much attention you are paying to each part of your life i.e. family, career, health, exercise, diet etc.  Do you need to shift your focus a bit?  Sometimes we feel trapped and as though its impossible to focus our energy where we'd really like to because other parts of life are so demanding. Yet, you'd be surprised what can be achieved with a bit of creative thinking and asking others for help. I once felt guilty about not being able to pick the kids up from school.  I decided the answer might lie in moving to flexi hours one day a week.  I agonised for 4 months about asking my boss.  When I finally did ask he said yes right away without hesitation.  What a waste of those 4 months! It didn't make any difference to him or the work I contributed but the difference it made to how I felt as a Mum was enormous.

So I say let go of the expectation of having balance and embrace your rhythm.  Make the most of quieter times and really take care of yourself so you have the reserves to cope with stress when it comes.  Do something every day that makes you feel really good, even if it’s only for 10 mins. Put music on, dance around the lounge, light a candle, mindfulness colouring, listen to a podcast, whatever makes your heart feel good.  Let go of any guilt that sneaks up on you when you make a priority call, just recognize its part of life’s rhythm.  And, if you feel like you need help to find your rhythm, book a free discovery session with me.

Because life is about every day.